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The Five Things We Cannot Change: And the Happiness We Find by Embracing Them Paperback – June 13, 2006

by David Richo (Author)

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“A lucid, thought-provoking, and illuminating” guide to finding fulfillment and “fluid acceptance of life as it is” (Martha Beck, life coach and New York Times–bestselling author)

Why is it that, despite our best efforts, many of us remain fundamentally unhappy and unfulfilled in our lives? In this provocative and inspiring book, David Richo distills thirty years of experience as a therapist to explain the underlying roots of unhappiness—and the surprising secret to finding freedom and fulfillment.

There are certain facts of life that we cannot change—the unavoidable “givens” of human existence: (1) everything changes and ends, (2) things do not always go according to plan, (3) life is not always fair, (4) pain is a part of life, and (5) people are not loving and loyal all the time. Richo shows us that by dropping our deep-seated resistance to these givens, we can find liberation and discover the true richness that life has to offer.

Blending Western psychology and Eastern spirituality, and including practical exercises, Richo shows us how to open up to our lives—including what is frightening, painful, or disappointing—and discover our greatest gifts.

Print length

192 pages
Language

English
Publisher

Shambhala
Publication date

June 13, 2006
Dimensions

6.04 x 0.53 x 9 inches
ISBN-10

9781590303085
ISBN-13

978-1590303085
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Editorial Reviews

Review

"A lucid, thought-provoking, and illuminating book about the realities of human existence—a wonderfully useful guide to fluid acceptance of life as it is."—Martha Beck, author of Finding Your Own North Star and The Joy Diet

"I started highlighting splendid passages in this book and my highlighter ran dry. The whole book is splendid."—Brother David Steindl-Rast

About the Author

David Richo, PhD, is a psychotherapist, teacher, writer, and workshop leader whose work emphasizes the benefits of mindfulness and loving-kindness in personal growth and emotional well-being. He is the author of numerous books, including How to Be an Adult in Relationships and The Five Things We Cannot Change. He lives in Santa Barbara and San Francisco, California.

Product details

ASIN ‏ : ‎ 1590303083
Publisher ‏ : ‎ Shambhala; Reprint edition (June 13, 2006)
Language ‏ : ‎ English
Paperback ‏ : ‎ 192 pages
ISBN-10 ‏ : ‎ 9781590303085
ISBN-13 ‏ : ‎ 978-1590303085
Item Weight ‏ : ‎ 10.2 ounces
Dimensions ‏ : ‎ 6.04 x 0.53 x 9 inches

Best Sellers Rank: #89,037 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)
- #510 in Interpersonal Relations (Books)
- #1,187 in Happiness Self-Help
- #2,130 in Personal Transformation Self-Help

Customer Reviews:
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David Richo
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David Richo, PhD, is a therapist and author who leads popular workshops on personal and spiritual growth.
He received his BA in psychology from Saint John's Seminary in Brighton, Massachusetts, in 1962, his MA in counseling psychology from Fairfield University in 1969, and his PhD in clinical psychology from Sierra University in 1984. Since 1976, Richo has been a licensed marriage, family, and child counselor in California. In addition to practicing psychotherapy, Richo teaches courses at Santa Barbara City College and the University of California Berkeley at Berkeley, and has taught at the Esalen Institute in Big Sur, Pacifica Graduate Institute, and Santa Barbara Graduate Institute. He is a clinical supervisor for the Community Counseling Center in Santa Barbara, California.
Known for drawing on Buddhism, poetry, and Jungian perspectives in his work, Richo is the author of How to Be an Adult in Relationships: The Five Keys to Mindful Loving and The Five Things We Cannot Change: And the Happiness We Find in Embracing Them. He has also written When the Past Is Present: Healing the Emotional Wounds that Sabotage our Relationships, Shadow Dance: Liberating the Power and Creativity of Your Dark Side, The Power of Coincidence: How Life Shows Us What We Need to Know, and Being True to Life: Poetic Paths to Personal Growth.
Richo lives in Santa Barbara and San Francisco.
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David Richo
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David Richo, Ph.D., is a psychotherapist, writer, and workshop leader. He has taught at a variety of places including Esalen and Spirit Rock Buddhist Center. He shares his time between Santa Barbara and San Francisco, California. Dave combines psychological and spiritual perspectives in his work. His website is davericho.com.
See more on the author's page

Customer reviews

4.6 out of 5

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Best Book for Accepting the Inevitable

Reviewed in the United States on March 6, 2024

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I put this book on my facebook page. It has been so helpful. I am a person who shovels sand against the tide. Thank you D. RICHO.

One person found this helpful

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Adriane

Quest for adding more serenity

Reviewed in the United States on December 7, 2023

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I bought 2 books for reading aloud with my A.A. Sponsor. It has made a huge difference on how I live and deal with life’s curve balls- big and small. Learning how to deal with life without alcohol drowning out Life itself is difficult. This book has helped by teaching me very simple concepts such as “Things don’t always go according to plan” accepting that “given” of life, and just move forward. The more we struggle and try to change what is unchangeable, the more we lose out on this adventure called life. It’s a great book and I’ll be reading it over for sure!!!

3 people found this helpful

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allison taylor

The REAL meat of psychological self-improvement

Reviewed in the United States on January 7, 2015

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I also own a battered, much-read paperback copy, full of handwritten margin notes and underlining. Like so many other reviewers, I found the contents to be supremely insightful and helpful in coping with much of the unpleasantness we find in life.

The value in this book is not in just memorizing the list of Five Things we Cannot Change, it's in Richo's excellent writing about how we unconsciously set ourselves up for misery and frustration by not FULLY accepting the five things, and in how to adjust our expectations and responses to the Five Things. He tells us explicitly how a true understanding of the Five Things will reflect in our behavior within a romantic relationship, within a work environment, in the health arena.

This book constituted most of my Christmas vacation reading, simply because I am facing some personal and academic challenges and want to approach them in the most adult, least self-defeating manner I can. Once again, I found myself nodding in agreement with much of Richo's thoughts in the book's first half. In the second half, my brow furrowed often as he launched into deeper and heavier interpretations of how we should act if we REALLY Embrace these Five Things. There's enough humor and empathy herein to make it a welcoming read, but it's not at all light reading.

Anyone looking for an easy, "read it once and I'll be all FIXED" psychology or self-help book will not find it here. This is the gourmet equivalent to getting oneself out of the ruts/potholes of life. I'm still working on the changes he recommends, and I know it won't be an overnight change. But Richo makes so much sense that I'm willing to keep working and shifting my perspective and understanding, re-reading this volume over again. In doing so, I hope to fully understand (someday) the second half of this book and the spiritual and philosophical implications of which he writes. This is the one I recommend to self-aware friends who seem truly ready to make a personal breakthrough in their own terms.

66 people found this helpful

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W. Handy

Contains real wisdom; a little theistic

Reviewed in the United States on August 26, 2023

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This is basically Buddhist Thought for People Who Find Buddhism Scary. The author has a Christian background, and it shows at times. As a Buddhist, I’m not concerned with aligning with the Divine and such sentiments. But most people are, and this is a good introduction to the notion that when we fight with reality, reality always wins. If we start with accepting reality whether we like it or not, we feel much less distress, and we make better decisions.

2 people found this helpful

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john salvemini

LITERALLY Changed my life !!!!

Reviewed in the United States on December 22, 2023

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I cannot say enough about this book. I not only got it on audible but I also have the hard coverversion. It was absolutely amazing. I actually gave it out as Christmas gifts.

One person found this helpful

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Arwythur

3rd in a good set...

Reviewed in the United States on April 17, 2012

Verified Purchase

If you have read the works of the author Robert A. Johnson, "Owning your Shadow", "We", "She", "He", etc... then you will understand that these books by Rico are the natural extension of how to use that information to actually make real changes in your life. Look, just because these three books by David Rico have painfully obvious self help titles, don't judge them based on that. In clear and concise terms, without ever talking down to you or treating you like it's a "For Dummies" book, the author explains the steps necessary to basically let go of the childishness of our mis-spent youth and finally grow up. I included all 3 of the titles together, and I believe that "How to be an Adult", "HtbaA in a Relationship", and "The Five Things We Can Not Change ..." should be read together, so as to have the greatest understanding of what is expected at any one point in your personal Epiphany. It's extremely easy to lie, especially to ourselves. The Ego will grasp at any straw to save itself, and these 3 books basically state the obvious in such a way that only the die hard defeatest could screw up "growing up". Taking personal responsibility for you life's decisions starts by recognizing why you did this in the first place, and why you chose to continue the dysfunctional patterns. I understand that many in the field are recommending these. I suggest a set, the Johnson books, followed by the Rico.... in that order. This is how I offer them to my students who are seeking a better life for themselves. You can't fix someone else, they have to want to fix themselves. These books together give you the answers, and the means to let the dreggs go. These books open the door to a bigger world of possibilities and options for an improved life... and they answer that primary first question, "Why am I like this....". Arwythur

17 people found this helpful

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Delzuki

Not what I was hoping for

Reviewed in the United States on November 26, 2011

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I bought this book because it has a great premise: There are 5 things you cannot change and you have to learn to accept them as they are and live with them. The five things are: 1. Everything ends and changes, 2. Things do not always go as planned, 3. Life is not always fair, 4. Pain is part of life and 5. People are not loving and loyal all the time. I wanted to learn more about the psychology behind dealing with these issues. Unfortunately, the psychological aspects are glanced over and the main thrust behind the book is gaining mindfulness through a religion of your choice. I have no problem with that point of view, it's just not what I was expecting when I bought the book.

40 people found this helpful

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Lorena

Easy to read and helpfull

Reviewed in Mexico on October 4, 2023

Verified Purchase

Es un libro fácil de leer si tu primera lengua no es el inglés, me agrada la filosofía de vida que tiene el escritor y es aplicable a todo aquel que busca mejorar su estado emocional.

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Leah Kozak

Amazing Book

Reviewed in Canada on November 27, 2017

Verified Purchase

Amazing book, i'v read alot of self-help/ well being books in my life and the life lessons and messages in this one definitely stuck with me.